Seven Steps To Do To Get Laid-Off

*Disclaimer: the below tips shouldn’t be confused with getting fired on purpose. Because, well, that would be foolish. Steps and tips are untested.
I recently had a discussion with some girlfriends who wanted to quit their jobs to either travel or go back to school. The dilemma? they didn’t want to lose their employment insurance or any benefits they receive the moment they quit. Depending on how long they’ve worked at their jobs, I suggested they talk with their bosses about their situation to see what can be done. Some liked the idea, others were not comfortable with it because they felt they were taking advantage of the company. I see it both ways.
But it got me thinking. If you are the type who wouldn’t want to bring this up with your boss, I created a list of untested steps you may take to get yourself laid-off*.

So, you want to get laid-off, huh? First, ask yourself this: Why?
Now that you’ve determined the WHY, let’s begin. Here are seven incredibly useful tips for ensuring your layoff is successful:

    1. Change your appearance. If you used to wear power suits or pencil skirts every day, start dressing down. All the way down. If you used to dress casually for work, dust off those crumbs, wash the hair and put on an ironed shirt for crying out loud. Either way, your appearance will get everyone talking and panicking because you will be looked at as though you know something you’re not supposed to know. You may be seen as the virus that must be eliminated.
    2. Act guilty. When your colleagues call your name, loudly shout: “It wasn’t me”. Then laugh nervously that you were thinking about something else and that it’s one big misunderstanding. The more you do this, upper management may have to weigh the possibility of having a troublemaker like you hanging around the office.
    3. Stare. Whenever your boss is in your proximity, start chatting with a coworker in low tones. Whisper if you have to but make sure to always make eye contact with your boss every now and then. Do this at least three times and I guarantee you that your boss will get paranoid. Oh yes, shit will hit the fan.
    4. Spend money like it’s water. If you oversee the budget for your department, spend. SPEND. Don’t just spend the money, OVERSPEND. If your accounting department is sloppy and lazy, perfect. Have them hide overspending under ‘miscellaneous’ for your department. Within six to eight months, the financial reports will show that your department will need to downsize in order to boost profits again. You know what that means, layoffs.
    5. Make allies in accounting. Speaking of lazy accountants. They are your allies if you ever want to get laid-off. Threaten them to fudge a financial report or two. Remember, it’s not them who’ll get laid-off, it’s you.
    6. Leak sensitive information. The moment you hear or get your hands on damning sensitive information, leak it to the press, competitors, and your customers. The trail will never come back to you as long as you say “I have no idea how the press, our competitors, and our customers got their hands on the company’s sensitive information. It wasn’t me.”
    7. Be open. You want to get laid off. Don’t click out of the computer screen whenever your superiors walk by. Let them see that you’ve prioritized playing the advanced level of solitaire over answering emails. I mean, priorities, right?

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